The Inner Critic

What the fuck are you doing here?

I'm supposed to talk to you, have a conversation with you.

And who the fuck is dumb enough to ask you to do that?

It's a writing exercise. Frankly, I'm afraid to talk to you, but here we are.

So what the fuck do you want?

You've lived inside my head for so many years. Don't you get tired of putting me down, nagging me and telling me I'm not good enough?


Care to elaborate?

There is nothing much to say. You're my bitch.

I see. Aren't you concerned how I would feel? My mental state? You caused me so much anxiety and pain!

Oh boo hoo, now you're gonna cry and be overdramatic and post your pitiful angsts on Facebook like you always do? You're pathetic.

I'm not! Stop saying that?

Why? Because deep down, you know it's true?

It's not! You're just being mean and really negative.

I don't think you're smart enough to figure out you need me.

And why would I need you?

Bitch, without me, you wouldn't have gotten this far in life without second-guessing your shit.

That's not true. I've survived in spite of you!

I don't care what you believe! You're never going to get rid of me no matter how many dumb shrinks you see to silence me. Hell, I'm the one telling you that you're wasting your money on utterly useless therapy when all you needed was listen to me.

Well, you're not exactly the wise guru that I would hope.

No one gives a shit on what you hope. Now fuck off and leave me alone!

Hairy Conversation

Hello hair. How are we doing today?

I'm feeling very fragile today.

Oh yeah? How so?

You subjected me to a rather harsh Japanese perm! That was quite a shock to the system!

Well, you haven't been behaving lately, and I hate how limp and lazy your body is.

Well I hate you too for treating me this way. I'm your crown and glory!

Crown and glory my ass -- you are starting to turn this ugly shade of cigarette ash! It's distasteful!

It's not my fault I'm losing my colour! You should try being me!

I suppose it's not your fault you're limp and lazy too?

What can I do? I'm thick and course, and I can be whatever I fucking want!

And so can I! I've let you grow long and limp far too long. It was time for a makeover!

But I got fried! I've become wet noodles! I'm worse than ramen!

Don't be a drama queen. You'll be fine. You'll get over it.

Oh what am I going to do? I'm so dry the Sahara can cry tears! I'm flaking more than a snowstorm in Saskatchewan! Poor me!

You're so needy! You sound like you're always a separate entity!

I AM a separate entity! I have a mind of my own!

That's not surprising. I always need to get you under control!

You're worse than a fascist scum! You will never be the boss of me!

I think you better start behaving before I decide to shave you down to the scalp! How do you like that?

Oh woe is me! Now I'm being threatened with a buzz cut! How horrible!